The Search for Something Pure

When I was 17 years old I had reached a point of hopelessness. Everything that had happened to lead me to this point felt out of my control. Growing up was just not easy, the people in my life treated me in a way that did not correspond to my beliefs of how life should work. Friendship and escape from reality were my biggest comforts. A momentum built up within the events of everyday life that lead to me moving to NY to live with my father, whom I had not seen in seven years. At this point I was on a path of self-destruction and only sought for oblivion.
On March 13, 1998, the momentum reached a terminal velocity, and after ingesting all sorts of substances my mind began to collapse inward. On top of a list of downers was 5 drops of lsd, pushing my mind into the abyss of despair. What I experienced in that darkness is beyond expression. The world folded and split and spiraled inwards, I could feel my body but I could also feel more that was outside of my body. What I have come to believe happened was a journey into the underlying structure of my subconscious, where I witness the process of creation happening.
My story isn't about this night, although such is the only starting point I know of. Shortly before I had begun a search, consciously and in my journals I knew I was pursuing understanding, a search for something in life that was pure. As everything appeared tainted by illusion and distraction, yet without any real foundation in my own knowledge, the belief that there had to be some sort of fundamental process happening drove me to seek such. Only I had started outside of the body, I didn't have a clue to the workings that were happening subconsciously. After my journey inwards that night, with a full moon blazing on that friday the 13th, I had come face to face with what was pure. Still there was a long ways to go to understanding, and as I have come to believe, one must see and not understand before understanding and yet not seeing.
Elven years later, after expressing the events of this night to a friend he asked if I had had such an experience externally. The geometric exponentiality that was felt and observed seemed to have a specific meaning to him that was beyond my awareness. In the weeks and months to follow I would understand exactly what he meant. He had in his life been tuned in to a different end of the spectrum of vision brought on by higher chakra function experiences. Perhaps through meditation and contemplation, as well as substance induced visions, he had seen the potential of the same system which I had become trapped within. Certainly I was perfectly unpreparred to observe such an anomaly.
LSD is the catalyst that has acted in my life as a doorway into the subconscious. There is surely a specific process that happens when an individual ingests such, but in my experience there is a great deal connected to ones belief system that also affects how such is experienced. In principle what I have observed is that LSD breaks down the barriers between consciousness and the subconscious. Starting on a surface level with enhanced sensory perception and eventually leading to a level that is very close to the core of how one creates their own world subconsciously.
In my life belief seems to be a vital factor to how anything is felt or encountered. Shortly after the devestating lsd trip I had in 1998 I attended a year long residential treatment, and began a process of refining my system of beliefs. After 7 years of being free from any mind altering substances and two years of smoking pot for a condition with my stomach, I once again made some experiements with lsd. I quickly discovered that no matter what was felt, discovered, or observed the central source always exists regardless of the substance. In fact using a substance is like taking a short cut to abilities in perception that already exist. This is not to say that with an established high understanding one might not choose to use a substance rather then go through the potentially life long journey of cultivating the abilities that such unlocks, just that in principle everything is always within the greater vision or ability of the mind.
Over the eleven years from my encounter with the structure of my inner nature my beliefs have been refined and refined again. Unlike my experiments and contemplation around the use of substances and the nature of the mind, what truly ignited a surge of insight was what someone taught me. My search for something pure had brought me outwards for so long all that had to be done was a slight change in focus and everything would quickly change. I went from following Eckart Tolles teachings and an outward based manner of perception to learning about inner truth, and discovering the endless plane of existence that is within. My friend Al taught me about this, and surely there will be chapters on our experiences together. The point is that no matter how much I sought outside of my being the end result could only be one way, a turn inwards and a stripping away of the beliefs which simply did not correspond with my true self.
Inner truth lead to logic, and as I built a new foundation of understanding, free from any external influences, my structure of belief became infallible. Eventually I discovered what I sought, and in a unexpected turn of direction was lead directly into an experience that was beyond my wildest dreams. To see the world that exists around our being clearly one must first venture inwards. There must be an unbreakable establishment of truth that can directly alter how one encounters the external world. Just as I stated before, everything is already there in the mind, we know, we just don't recognize that we know because we have built up subconscious barriers.
At some point in every Entities journey through the play of life these barriers get broken down. For me I cannot help but believe that this has occurred in this lifetime. My search for something pure lead me inwards, and when finally reaching the point where the essence of the soul was purfied from subconscious barriers the result was dramatic. A kundalini meditation during an LSD induced state was what finally brought me directly in contact with such. In a matter of thirty minutes I had wiped my subconscious slate clean, and was about to embark on a four month journey to discover what the far reaches of possibility truly were.
For a long time now I have been free from regret, such just never made much sense in my world. If something happens then that is the bottom line, there is no undoing such so why create new emotion based off what will forever be? This is a tough concept to swallow now, seeing my life be dragged into oblivion and then being spat out on a path that is so distant from my dreams of how I would like to live. Here I am, this is what is, I have seen the fields of creation, been put face to face with the unfolding streams of potential that lay before us. What is next?